Thank you. This is some of the hardest work in the world. While I am not a professional in this field, I have been the recipient of several accountability processes, and since then helped facilitate many more. In that work from both sides, I’ve noticed trends. The primary trend that I have seen is how incredibly difficult it is to approach this work without conflating all of our anger at patriarchy and the broader systems of harm with the individual who has caused harm within those lineages. This conflation makes it very hard to retain our awareness of perpetrator’s humanity. This leads to us often unintentionally approaching this healing work with the subconscious intention to punish perpetrators. Myself included, we often want them to experience some of the pain that they have caused. This undermines our efforts at healing from the start, and contributes to cycles of fracture, isolation, and further harm. Especially men often have a visceral response to other men causing harm. This is partially the natural and healthy response to witnessing harm, and almost always also partially our revulsion at the possibility that we may also carry those patterns that we are witnessing. Our outrage is often in part an effort to deny our complicity in the systems that outrage us. So approaching this work requires that we recognize our own harmful patterns as well, and recognize both our humanity despite our wounds, and the perpetrator’s humanity, despite their wounds. Hard, hard work, but it’s the only pathway I’ve seen to actual healing. With all that in mind, here are a few baseline things to note as you approach this process. These are in no particular order, and they are all important.
- Initial contact will set the tone for the entire process. Very few perpetrators of sexual and domestic violence are cognizant of their patterns of harm. While this may seem unlikely, it is absolutely true. Even many serial rapists would say, in a casual conversation, that they have never raped anyone. This is a function of the internalization of patterns of violence to the point where perpetrators can’t even see the violence in their own actions. This is especially true in communities and with individuals who share a value of being feminist allies. Their patterns of harm and the impacts of their actions are so discordant with their identity as an ally that their minds will perform impressive mental gymnastics NOT to confront these facts. Because of this, the initial contact is indescribably important. Many healing processes have been destroyed before they even began because of aggressive or casual or poorly-strategized initial dialogue. Here are a few tips:
- Have initial contact come from a close friend of the perpetrator, of the same gender if possible. Ideally this is someone they trust deeply. Even if this person is not close to the survivor or anyone else involved, if they are able to recognize that there is a problem that needs to be addressed and they have the perpetrator’s trust and respect, they are a better candidate than someone the perpetrator doesn’t know well or trust. Beware though; vette this person well before bringing it up with them. Asking someone who is friends with the perpetrator who then doesn’t think it’s a problem can lead to the initial contact coming from this trusted friend being one of dismissal or skepticism, which is very dangerous. Selection of this person is worth serious consideration.
- If the perpetrator is not a physical threat to their friends, initial contact should happen alone and in-person. Rectifying the fact that they are a perpetrator of harm with their current self-identity is unbelievably hard work, and the fewer people are there for that initial conversation, the better.
- Don’t belabor it. The invitation for the perpetrator into this awareness can be approached as many ways as there are people in the world, but in general, dragging it out doesn’t help. They’ll be able to tell the conversation is tense, and dragging it out increases that tension.
- If there is a specific incident of harm in the recent past, a pathway of questions can be very effective, such as this:
- Trusted Friend: “Hey, I heard you and Lex got together, you guys hook up yet?”
- Perpetrator: “Oh, yeah, we hooked up last week.”
- TF: “How was that?”
- P: “[whatever they say]”
- TF: “How do you think it was for Lex?”
- P: “[whatever they say]”
- TF: “[Responds appropriately, then:] Well, Lex is actually not feeling that great about it, and they wanted to talk about it more.”
- This pathway creates a “scaffold” for the perpetrator to slowly become aware that there is a need for more process, without throwing labels or setting them up for defensiveness. (They may still become defensive, but it gives them a better chance.)
- Start with short-term agreements, and build from there. Since one of the top priorities is always arresting ongoing harm, inviting the perpetrator into the following agreements is often valuable:
- Not contact their survivors (or supervised contact, or indirect contact, depending on the survivor’s preferences.)
- Abstain from new romantic partners (or declare that they are in this process) for some number of weeks or months
- Space-sharing (i.e. “X” can go to the co-op M,W,F,Su, and “Y” on Tu, Th, S.)
- Put a relatively short time-limit on these agreements (except the first) up front. It makes the idea way more digestible. They can, and should, be re-visited as the process evolves.
- Set up a support team. Ideally, this will be several of the perpetrators friends, or at least community members they trust and know. The purpose of this group is to keep a close awareness on the perpetrator’s mental and spiritual health. It’s hard to describe how challenging and painful and isolating and lonely this work can be. Flight, self-harm, substance abuse, and suicide are all on the table, but much more common is despondency, critical loneliness (even with lots of social contact,) depression, and self-loathing. Some people might call this work ‘centering the perpetrator’ or ‘a lack of accountability’, but here’s the thing: beyond being dangerously unhealthy for the individual, none of these things are conducive to healing or shifting harmful patterns, so they are roadblocks and diversions to the prevention of further harm. If our goal is the reduction of future harms, supporting the perpetrator’s mental health is paramount. The support team should do things with the perpetrator that are totally unrelated. Go biking or fishing or whatever. Let them talk, and help them feel safe enough to grieve and grow.
- The one variable that has consistently been the most important in terms of achieving any degree of healing is often by far the hardest to manifest in the wake of violence and harm: it is Love. Processes that are wholly and tangibly rooted in love have far, far higher success rates. What love looks and feels like can vary widely, but the core of the process must come from love, not just for some abstract sense of ‘community’ or some distant ideal; they must be rooted in love for the individual people involved.
- Find people who love the perpetrator deeply, and make sure to give them appropriate air time in the process.
- Find aspects of the perpetrator that are praiseworthy, and highlight how much they are loved and how much the community both wants and needs them to be a community member.
- Offer clear pathways for growth and healing. Obviously the perpetrator should be an active participant in creating these, and hopefully be leading the work themselves. Reality does not always follow such an ideal, and perpetrators may need some guidance on what the pathways towards their own healing and re-welcoming into community spaces look like.
- Isn’t a lot of this centering the perpetrator?
- It’s a good question, and it’s well-intentioned. We recognize the need to center the voices and experiences of survivors. This is absolutely necessary, and the last thing we want is to create a platform for apologetics. However, it helps to remember once again that all of us raised in western culture have punitive models of ‘justice’ hard-wired from the day we are born. Those patterns of seeking ‘punishment’ when we think someone has caused harm will express in insidious and creative ways. Often, the fear of ‘centering’ perpetrators is a re-branded desire for punishment. We wish to exclude them and make sure that they know they’ve done wrong.
- The intentions that this page operate from are these:
- Minimizing future perpetrations of violence
- Healing the patterns that lead to violence
- Creating safer spaces for everyone in our communities
- Acting from these intentions, it is of the utmost importance that we focus our process on the perpetrator every bit as much as on the survivor. Perpetrators of violence are carrying an inconceivably heavy, brutally destructive disease. To focus on the survivors exclusively is to focus on the symptoms of the disease rather then the root causes. It will not prevent future harm, and it is forever a losing game of catch-up. This is doubly true because without the conscientious creation of pathways for perpetrators to heal and return as healthier people to their communities, the image that healing processes develop over time is one of harm and punishment. This creates a culture in which perpetrators feel that their best choice when confronted with their patterns of harm is denial and refusal to engage. As we all know, this feeds the cycles of community fractures and ongoing harm.
Dream into a world where community healing processes are so healthy and trusted that people are excited when they are invited into process.
Resources
Zines
Phenomenal set of facilitation guidelines, suggestions, and examples of various scenarios. If you can only get one zine and you’re working on facilitating process, this is it.
Taking Risks: Implementing Grassroots Community Accountability Strategies
100 pages of different authors perspectives on processes following sexual violence and abuse. Great diverse weave of different perspectives.
This is a great intro for guys. Accessible because it’s kind of funny and sassy. A good one to leave around.
Useful set of terms, exploration of the relevant cycles of violence (even the cycles within individuals), and some tips and phrasings.
ASK FIRST! Resources for supporters, survivors, and perpetrators of sexual assault
Lots of fantastic thought-provoking questions for the reader. Brilliant break-down of the spectrum and vocab of consent violation.
let’s talk about CONSENT, baby
A great, simple, instruction set, outlining healthy response to process invitation:
Taking the First Step: Suggestions for People Called Out for Abusive Behavior
This is a zine that Jack drafted during his initial processes in his early twenties. It’s unformatted, and to his eyes it reads as pretty self-centered now, but maybe it would resonate with another young man in a similar situation.
First Five Facts for Feminist Fellas
Movies
Books
The Revolution Starts At Home: Confronting Intimate Violence Within Activist Communities
Ching-In Chen (Editor); Jai Dulani (Editor); Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha (Editor)
https://www.akpress.org/revolutionstartsathome.html
Masterwork compiling many incredible resources and perspectives. Worth it’s weight in gold, outlines specific practices and approaches from people doing this work, on the ground.
We Will Not Cancel Us: And Other Dreams of Transformative Justice
adrienne maree brown
powerful critiques of modern call-out culture, useful for informing how to speak about and engage with harm in ways that build community rather than tear it apart.
Conflict is Not Abuse: Overstating Harm, Community Responsibility, and the Duty of Repair
Sarah Schulman
An incredible break down of the role of community and individuals in creating healthy community in the wake of harm, and in the context of the deeply harmful world we live in. One of the best resources available for understanding the roles of community, context and culture in cycles of harm. This book is profoundly nuanced, and as such is often weaponized by harmful people- tread carefully in these powerful and necessary but dangerous waters.
Trickster, Magician, and Grieving Man: Reconnecting Men with the Earth
Glen Mazis’ indescribably powerful exploration of how men are taught to think and the effects that has on our identities and our relationships. Offers several inspiring and compelling pre-colonial archetypes of masculinity. This is a headier work, less nuts-and-bolts than the first, but powerful in understanding masculinity.
Trickster, Magician, and Grieving Man: Reconnecting Men with the Earth
People
A lot of men manage to be fairly healthy despite being men. Precious few do a good job as men. We have such bad role modeling and so many generations of trauma and violence; we’re all in pretty rough shape, to be honest. It’s painfully rare to find men who are embodying a healthy form of masculinity, and most of them don’t tend to gravitate towards public roles. But they do exist, if you pray and dig and keep an eye on the local tool barns and chicken-swaps. Find what you value in the men you know, and learn from that. There are no perfect people; women, trans, or men. This is just as true of Elders. But lean into it, and you’ll find them, or they’ll find you.
If you want people who speak well about these issues publicly, here’s a few:
Gabor Mate
Ray Reitze
While I claim no expertise at all, I have been on both sides of a lot of accountability processes now, and I’ve seen a lot of things fail and a few things succeed. I’ve also had the honor of working with hundreds of men and boys in educational and recovery settings, as well as informally in my communities. From this perspective, I offer limited consulting services on process construction and implementation, specializing in how to work with perpetrators. Again, I have no training in any kind of social work or psych, I’m just a biology teacher who has stumbled into this field because of the harms that I have caused, and the fact that there are so few people doing this work that somehow I end up on the top of people’s list of options.
For many years, I’ve offered this as a gift to my communities and as part of my own process of accountability. At this point, the volume of requests that I receive exceeds my capacity to continue responding to them all freely. I remain deeply committed to making this work accessible, and if you feel strongly that my voice would be helpful in some way, I’m happy to talk with you about how we can make that accessible in a way that feels equitable and balanced for everyone involved.
Support@HealTheCycle.com
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.