Oh, you beautiful being. You delightful, beloved, sacred, amazing person.
Whatever your sense of Divinity is, take a moment and let the arms of that God hold you. You are so loved; so deeply and completely held and loved in this moment. Whatever you’ve been through, all of the pain and all of the joy, is wholly and fiercely loved in this moment. Take a moment and feel that complete wrapping of love and support and care, all around you, holding you snug and tight.
Slowly inhale deeply.
Slowly let it go.
You are so loved.
You can survive this, too.
And if you choose, this can open new and beautiful pathways, communities, work, and layers of self-awareness. You can emerge from this with a deeper, stronger, and healthier sense of your self, if you want to.
You are free. Wherever you’ve been, whatever has been done to you, and whatever you have done; you can look around and decide who you will be. This is both the hardest work in the world and also as easy as steering your car where you want it to go.
Some people will fall away from you; this is not the end. It will be OK.
There will be new friends, new sweethearts, even new family.
Choose them wisely. Pay attention to who walks with bitterness in their heart and who is living from a place of health, groundedness, and love.
Who will you be?
Who you surround yourself with and listen to will shape this.
Maybe you’re angry.
Maybe you should be.
The world set you up, and knocked you down. This was not what you wanted.
Take a moment, and imagine yourself as a fetus inside your mother.
Imagine someone coming to you and asking:
“Do you want to hurt people?”
Would you have said:
“Yes, I want to hurt people?”
No, of course not.
So at your core, behind all the hurt that you have lived through and even caused:
You are a safe, kind person who wants everyone around you to feel respected and loved.
That means that while you are responsible for your actions, they are not your fault. You did not choose the path that brought you here, it was given to you. Maybe you watched hundreds of movies and TV shows. Maybe you watched porn. Maybe all the role models for relationships you had were unhealthy, even violent or abusive. Maybe you internalized all of that, and carried those patterns that you were taught; those patterns that you never asked for but were forced into your young mind, into your relationships.
This is not your fault, any more than it is the fault of a tree that it grows bent by the wind.
Can you see the beauty in the bent tree?
Maybe you can learn to love yourself in the same way.
You will never not be bent; that’s not what healing is. Your past made you who you are, you are being shaped by the present, and you will be formed by what happens next. The thing that you have agency over is how you grow.
So will you become bitter?
It’s easy. You certainly know people who could show you the path of bitterness; it’s the easier choice and there are plenty of role models.
You could feel justified and victimized. You could feel angry and misunderstood. You could live the rest of your life in that place, and die bitter and angry.
Or you could become self-abasing. You could make yourself smaller and define yourself by your apologies. There are plenty who would welcome and celebrate you in this, too. You could judge other similarly-wounded people harshly. You could practice performative allyship and performative activism that hurts lots of other people and never really confronts the underlying harmful patterns that you inherited. You’d know clearly what you weren’t, but you’d never really know who you are.
There is a third path. It’s weedy and hard to see. It can feel lonely sometimes, and it’s different for everyone who walks it. It asks you to balance:
- recognizing that you have been harmed by the patterns and social programming of your culture and possibly family, with
- the awareness that you have caused harm in your community.
You are so loved.
And we need you so much.
Many blessings on every choice you make, and may you become the force for healing and love in the world that you are meant to be.
Resources
The Men’s Resource Center offers phone consultations, counseling, therapy, support groups, and more. They specifically work with people who have patterns of abuse, and they are very helpful.
Zines
A great, simple set of instructions. Follow these, and you won’t go too far astray:
Taking the First Step: Suggestions to People Called Out for Abusive Behavior
This is a great intro. Accessible because it’s kind of funny and sassy. A good one to leave around.
Useful set of terms, exploration of the relevant cycles of violence (even the cycles within individuals), and some tips and phrasings.
ASK FIRST! Resources for supporters, survivors, and perpetrators of sexual assault
Lots of fantastic thought-provoking questions for the reader. Brilliant break-down of the spectrum and vocab of consent violation.
let’s talk about CONSENT, baby
This is a zine that Jack drafted during his initial processes in his early twenties. It’s unformatted, and to his eyes it reads as pretty self-centered now, but maybe it would resonate with another young man in a similar situation.
First Five Facts for Feminist Fellas
Movies
Books
Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love
bell hooks
This work has been pivotal in many men’s journeys. hooks’ deep love of men is palpable through it, and it weaves a powerful blend of incredible love and support with deeply challenging concepts and mirrors. All men should read this book.
https://bellhooksbooks.com/product/the-will-to-change
Trickster, Magician, and Grieving Man: Reconnecting Men with the Earth
Glen Mazis’ indescribably powerful exploration of how men are taught to think and the effects that has on our identities and our relationships. Offers several inspiring and compelling pre-colonial archetypes of masculinity.
Trickster, Magician, and Grieving Man: Reconnecting Men with the Earth
People
A lot of men manage to be fairly healthy despite being men. Precious few do a good job as men. We have such bad role modeling and so many generations of trauma and violence; we’re all in pretty rough shape, to be honest. It’s painfully rare to find men who are embodying a healthy form of masculinity, and most of them don’t tend to gravitate towards public roles. But they do exist, if you pray and dig and keep an eye on the local tool barns and chicken-swaps. Find what you value in the men you know, and learn from that. There are no perfect people; women, trans, or men. This is just as true of Elders. But lean into it, and you’ll find them, or they’ll find you.
If you want people who speak well about these issues publicly, here’s a few:
Jackson Katz
Gabor Mate
Ray Reitze
If you would like to reach out to me, you can do so via the e-mail address below. I don’t always respond quickly, and I’m not sure how much help I can offer, but I have been on both sides of a lot of accountability processes now and I’ve seen a lot of things fail and a few things succeed. I know what it’s like to be dragged through the coals, and I know what it’s like to walk through fire. At the very least, you won’t surprise me and I won’t judge you. I’ve also had the honor of working with hundreds of men and boys in educational and recovery settings, as well as “informally” and if it’s helpful, I’m happy to share whatever I can.
Support@HealTheCycle.com
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.