For many men working on healing, men’s groups, spaces, and ceremonies provide the foundation of evolving awareness, support, healthy accountability, and the practice of community. Speaking personally, my first involvement in a men’s group was in direct response to my community pointing out the ways in which I was causing harm. It was a brutally raw, painful process of looking at the actual impacts of my own actions, and then from there, looking at what I had been taught that led me to commit those harms that were so at odds with how I thought of myself. From that place, I was able to begin looking at what I wanted masculinity to be, and undertake the incredibly challenging work of excavating and co-creating models of masculinity that are grounded in health and wellness, rather than the masculinity we are all so ubiquitously force-fed, which is grounded in scarcity, violence, and harm. Whenever I mention Men’s groups, there is a flood of questions; where are these groups? Are you offering any? How do you run a men’s group? What do you do in a men’s group? How can men support one another? The desire for these spaces is overwhelming, which is simultaneously heartbreaking and wildly inspiring.
If you came here looking for a men’s group to join, I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that I can’t point you to a specific group right now, and I’m not offering anything publicly. The good news is that you don’t actually need me. You can start a men’s group yourself, and you and your circle can do a fantastic job. The rest of this page details how.
Again, I am no expert, I am a biology teacher and wilderness skills instructor by training; I am not any kind of psych professional. But I have been swimming in these waters for quite a while, and these days people ask enough that it feels rude not to offer some direction. So here are some suggestions for men’s work from what I have found impactful in my own life and seen help a small number of other men a great deal.
Define the Boundaries of your Group
There are essentially two types of men’s groups; open and closed. Closed groups are the same group of guys meeting regularly, and joining one takes a process of some kind. Open groups are more drop-in, sometimes run a churches or libraries, and any man can come whenever they like. They have wildly different strengths and weaknesses. Open groups are super accessible and, somewhat like 12-step groups, can help men at any point in their growth process. They’re also inherently limited by the comprehension of the member with the least understanding, and they are often emphatically not emotionally safe spaces, because there are strangers there.
Closed groups have the strengths of allowing for depths of emotional vulnerability that are wholly inaccessible to open groups, and also allow a far greater depth of collective work and understanding because your group can grow in understanding together. The weakness is that they are not accessible, and are often in fact hard to even find or know they exist. So each group impacts very, very few men, and often only men who are already at a certain point in their understanding.
For transparency, I have zero experience in open groups, and thus far have had little interest in them. My own growth has come entirely from closed groups, and those are where my focus remains. Most of the tools and exercises listed below are intended for closed groups. It is necessary to clarify what the entry process is for a closed group- is it open enrollment by invitation, maybe with an orientation? The model that I have found most helpful is having an annual BBQ where any guys who are interested can come hang out with the current members, get to know each other, and talk about whether it would actually be a good fit. This creates an annual cohort, who can be oriented together and support one another.
Also define the group size. This can absolutely be as small as two, and I’ve experienced some amazing insight, support, and growth in tiny groups of two or three. There is absolutely no harm in tiny groups, but large groups get unwieldy. By the time a group is over eight or ten people, the appearance of anonymity starts to dilute the focus and impact of the group, in my opinion. Thankfully, this is an amazingly easy problem to solve- If your group gets too big, just split into two groups. Share a BBQ once a year, there’s no problem with this at all. Personally, I prefer groups between two and eight.
It is important to define the schedule. In my experience, by far the most valuable schedule is weekly. By the time you’re looking at every other week, or once a month, there is enough of a lag that the content you’re working on is starting to slip from your awareness. That said, consistency and commitment take priority. If your group can’t commit to a weekly meeting, don’t push it. The sign-up energy at first can be mitigated by breaking it into sections, for example see if you can get a group of guys to commit to meeting once a week for a month. Then at the end of the month, see if you want to continue. Nobody wants to sign up for an unknown weekly commitment forever.
Next you need to define who the group is for. This can be weirdly hard. The first group I was a part of drew that boundary as “For people who were programmed male.” This worked fine for a minute, and was intentionally designed to include trans women who were still navigating the wounds of male programming. Predictably, we eventually ran into the problem that this excluded trans men. Because trans men are generally programmed female, this presented more of a challenge, because a number of guys felt that having someone who lacked the shared experience of male programming presented a barrier to vulnerability for them. While it’s easy to dismiss this as being transphobia, I think (as a cis white guy, remember) it’s more nuanced than that. Part of this work is explicitly excavating how, exactly, we were trained to normalize and perpetrate violence. That is unbelievable sensitive work, and I can see how it’s not work that people want to share with folks who have not had that experience. The voices of trans men are some of the most valuable in the entire conversation about masculinity, in my opinion, and that does not necessarily mean that spaces intended to do the deep emotional work of excavating male programming will be good fits with trans men. In my experience, trans women can fit very easily into men’s spaces. They can say “Oh, yeah, that was such bullshit, I hated that part of what we were taught.” Conversely, sometimes trans men can feel like observers, or distant from the work, in ways that can be challenging for the work and the group. That said, when the rubber hit the road and a local trans guy who a bunch of us knew wanted to join, we welcomed him and he became a beloved member of our little community. The first meeting was a little awkward, and then it got easy really fast. As his humanity, non-judgmentalism, and deep investment in masculinity became blazingly apparent, it turned out to be nowhere near as much of an issue as we had kind of made it out to be in our heads. We sort of stumbled to a definition of our group being for “People with male identities and who were programmed male.” I don’t feel like we ever really solved this conundrum, and I think that one reason that particular trans man integrated so well was because he is fairly masc-presenting. So I don’t know what the solution is, and I’m sharing this just to shine a light on some of the challenge and nuance. I do know that if you don’t look at this nuanced and challenging boundary, you are creating a situation where our subconscious inherited patterns of transphobia are guaranteed to express in harmful ways. If I have any suggestion around this, it’s that you stay open, humble, and fluid. Make sure you’re looking at each situation on it’s own terms, and do you best to humanize and support everyone involved. If we had made a hard boundary that excluded trans men, we would have prevented ourselves from getting to know and learn from a wonderful community member, and would have caused harm in the process.
Finally, establish group agreements. This can be as simple as “be respectful” or as complex as a whole group contract. I will say that “Assumption of best intention” is a great agreement. It’s very easy for guys in a space intended for healing to start jumping on each other, trying to point out the ways in which something a guy said is problematic. While there can be a place for this medicine, it’s often wildly over-used, and is pretty often just thinly-veiled one-upmanship; a well-intentioned rebranding of the same patterns of Domination that we’re working to heal from. The more I do this work, the less I “call out” things guys say in group. Our awareness and health grows over time through love and education; not violent, punitive attacks dressed as “accountability.”
I do recommend that you clarify explicitly the terms of confidentiality. This work is wildly vulnerable, and the only way most man can get near it at first is with absolute confidentiality. “Lessons can be shared forward, individual stories stay in this circle” is a great boundary, in my experience.
What to do?
Men’s groups face a narrow path. On one side, it is dangerously easy for men to intellectualize things. We can very easily just become a theory club, where we spend a lot of time in our heads reinforcing ideas which may be right or wrong, but are wholly divorced from our bodies and relationships. That’s a common trap, and one to avoid.
On the other side, if we focus entirely on the embodiment or practice, then we hobble ourselves and remain forever limited to the (often very harmful) theories of masculinity and relationship that we inherited and led us into trouble to begin with.
So this work is a balancing act. On one side, we should be evolving our thinking about masculinity, relationship, history, and the world. On the other side, we must be bringing these things into our bodies and the real world.
With those things in mind, here are some practices and exercises:
Read a Book
This has been the core of most men’s work that I’ve been involved in. Books share ideas in greater depth than a TikTok or TedTalk could ever dream of, and in this context, they provide a focus for a group of people to talk about various aspects of masculinity. If you all agree to read a chapter between each meeting of your group, then you can set aside some time in each meeting to talk about what you read, reflect, and support one another in understanding it. This is a very accessible activity for guys who are shy or not sure how to engage in spaces like this. Having a source text gives everybody something to focus on, and even if they’re literally just repeating a sentence from the book, they’re practicing engagement and building a deeper sense of identity with the group and the book. Literally any of the books in the “Books” section of this website would be a good choice, but I really cannot recommend Mazis’ “Trickster, Magician, and Grieving Man” or hooks “Will to Change” enough. This may seem odd given her reputation, but especially for men who are skeptical of words like “patriarchy” or “feminism,” hooks is amazing. Her level of empathy and support for men is simply unparalleled, and it really shows in her writing.
Share Harm that You’ve Caused
The way that we have done this in the past is that each week, we start our meeting with one guy sharing the worst thing he has ever done to a woman, or a set of similar harms, out loud with the group. This is the fastest way to go deep with a group of men. It will crack men and the group open. It is imperative that this be held in love. This does not mean excusal, minimizing, or dismissal. But trust me when I say that this framing and practice will leave men already painfully aware of how harmful their behavior was. I have seen this done a number of ways. Usually, it is simply the one man’s floor until he is finished sharing, meaning that there is no verbal reflection or inquiry, he just talks. I recommend that the men present listen actively, although this usually happens without saying, it’s often hard to look away. Sometimes, groups want to talk about this after. That can be really wonderful, but if you want to do that, I strongly recommend Gabor Mate’s practice of “Compassionate Inquiry” for helping to explore and excavate the content, e.g. in a kind tone, “What did that feel like for you?” “What do you think led you to do that?” “What does it feel like to look back on that?” “How do you think that felt for her/them?”
This exercise does a lot of things. First and foremost, it shares an embodied awareness for everyone present that literally all men have seriously harmed women in their lives. I’ve done this in several groups, and never once have I seen a guy come up dry on this question; we have all harmed women. Realizing this in our bodies, as we watch a group of men we know and respect share about the harm they have caused, is relaxing to something in the soul of a man in a way that I don’t have words to describe. The taboo on these subjects makes us feel so utterly alone in our perpetration of harm, which feeds into the whole “men are naturally violent and harmful” nonsense. It is through this kind of exercise that we see how pandemic this pattern of trauma is, and how none of us are exempt from it.
Next, it builds trust. Guys who have gone through this with one another have a level of trust and acceptance that exceeds anything many of us have ever experienced in our lives. Often, we think we’re unlovable. This exercise, and the subsequent continued welcome and love in a community, teaches us that we are lovable despite the harm we have caused. It’s a pretty incredible feeling.
Work Together, Eat Together
Sharing work and food may be the oldest forms of bonding in the world, and they remain among the most powerful. Start a rotating work crew, and once a month or whatever you can swing, just all show up and move wood, or clean gutters, or help somebody with a project. Sweating together and seeing that you’ve accomplished something will ground the rest of your work, and it’s a great opportunity to give back. Give back to each other, the community at large, and impacted communities in particular. Share a potluck, either weekly at your meeting or with any regularity. Don’t let your female partners cook, go through the process of making food for your group, and enjoying it together. It will also ground and bond you and your work together.
Toning
This one’s simple, and incredibly hard. Split into partners, and each partner pair sits on the floor, cross-legged, with your backs fully touching one another. Then, set a timer for somewhere between 45 seconds and 5 min, and both of you just make noise with your mouth. Don’t use words if you can help it. Just make noise, and feel the vibration of that other guy also making noise. Then talk about it. What came up, after the intense awkwardness?
Eye Contact
Also simple. Similar to toning, but just sit comfortably, facing one another this time, and for 45 – 180 seconds, just hold eye contact with your partner. Don’t say anything. Again, talk about it. What came up? What did you feel?
Drum Together
Also very old, and extremely cliche, but I’m telling you, you might like it. Just get some drums out around a fire and bang on them. See if you can find a beat together. If you want, suggest a theme, like “Joy.” See what it sounds like when you try and drum joy, or anger, or grief.
Share about your lives
This is a simple, good, ongoing practice. I’ve been in mens groups where most of our time was just going around the circle doing check-ins. We’d do a quick round first, and then a deeper round for anyone who wanted to process together more. It’s a great way to feel held and seen in community. Especially if you’re reading something together, or doing other exercises, this is a great time to bring those concepts and experiences into our lives, as in: “How do you think Mazis’ concept of men living in a ‘Cloud Castle’ showed up in that tense conversation you had with your kid’s teacher?”
Grieve together
This is hard. Water is a great place to start, especially if you’re close enough to the ocean. Go to a beach at night. Start a fire. One at a time, strip down to shorts and go out into the waves deep enough that you can submerge your whole body. Then go under, bounce off the ocean floor, and just scream. This might feel awkward at first, but remember, you’re underwater, no one can hear or see you. Scream and sob as loud as you can. Start violently shaking your whole body, keep screaming. See if you can bring up what you’re most angry or sad about, and just scream until your throat feels like it’s being torn apart and your whole face is full of salt and you don’t know where your tears stop and the ocean starts. Then come out of the water, back to the fire, and towel off. Sit with the other people who are there to support you.
If this terrifies you and you don’t think you can do it but you want to, there’s an easy trick for that. Talk to your group before hand, and ask them to drag you in. Clarify the terms, like “No hitting.” But if you really want this but you don’t think you can make yourself do it- ask your community to drag you into the water kicking and screaming. This is a way that we can support one another, and it’s a great way to get those angry sad juices flowing early. This is also a really intense experience for the other men throwing you in. Throwing men into the ocean of their grief while they scream and resist you brings up a lot, helps you see a lot. Questions like: “What are we running from?” and “Why is this so damn hard?” get really hard to avoid.
There are a lot of techniques for it, and I’m not qualified to share a lot of them. I recommend the books of Malidoma and Sobunfu Some. They offer practices for how to grieve that have been very powerful for many people. Also the talk “Grief and Praise” by Martin Prechtel is available online, and incredibly powerful.
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